I am anxious.
I have been quite anxious for the past three days.
Interestingly, I had been doing very well for several weeks, even months, prior to this bout of anxiety. Right now I am doing all I can to keep it from progressing to depression and so far I have succeeded, although the worry remains.
I have some theories as to why my anxiety started. At first, I could not fathom why my anxiety would suddenly appear (this is a classic symptom of emotional brain disconnect from rational brain). As hard as it is to admit it, though, I have come to believe it came because of my desire to start this blog.
My Goals Stressed Me Out
Ever since getting the idea last week to write this blog, I have been so excited to write that I feel quite resentful I don’t have more time to write. And when everyday tasks got in the way of writing, I became stressed and anxious.
Initially, I began with a goal to write two posts every morning before work. So, every morning I would do my best to get up early and get out the door to get some writing done. Despite my fervent efforts, I didn’t manage to even get one post out per day. I had placed all this pressure on myself and then became deflated. It is now apparent that my goal was too ambitious, leading to stress and anxiety.
Perhaps after some blogging practice and establishing a good writing routine, two posts a day may not be so far-fetched, but trying to write two posts a day from the beginning is like trying to sprint out of the gate when you’re just starting a marathon.
This is a classic case of:
- Setting my aim too high
- Stressing when I don’t reach my goals, and
- Getting down on myself for it.
Just because blogging stressed me out doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do it, or that blogging is bad for me (I may have thought this if I jumped to conclusions too quickly), but it just means that I was placing too much pressure on myself and expecting too much. Perfectionism is an old old habit of mine I am trying to get rid of.
The Real Cause of My Stress and Anxiety
My real problem is a lack of patience. I want this blog, and I want it NOW. I don’t want to wait for months to develop a blog. I want it now: looking nice, with lots of traffic, and some comments from people letting me know it’s helping them. The bottom line is, I am not having patience in the journey. My impatience to have a developed blog is the very reason I set such high expectations in the first place. But setting unreasonable expectations for myself actually tripped me up and sabotaged my goals.
So how do I reconcile this? I want something, and I am willing to work for it. But I really don’t want to wait for it.
I will contemplate patience, and try to figure out how I can provide myself with a more measured pace.